Until more details surface that might change my mind, I'm nominating the Tiger Woods "crash" as the biggest non-story of 2009.
Early reports had Woods involved in a "serious automobile accident," as if it could be life-threatening. Later, we found out that he suffered "lacerations" to his face and was released from the hospital.
Lacerations: n. A jagged wound or cut.
See also: Scrape.
It's like calling a bruise a "contusion." Sounds worse than it is.
I don't care why Woods was leaving his house at 2:30 a.m. And I certainly didn't need ESPN2 running a scroll about the incident every 15 seconds during the Pitt-West Virginia game.
The air bags in his SUV didn't deploy, so he was traveling under 33 mph - which makes sense, since he was, you know, pulling out of his driveway.
I realize that Woods lives in a $2.4 million mansion, so his driveway is longer than most, but I've never been able to get my car past 8 mph before reaching the street.
I'm glad that he's OK. And I realize that he's arguably the most recognizable sports personality in the world, so anything he does is newsworthy. But I think the candlelight vigil was a bit much.
Naturally, the Tigers Woods jokes already have started. My favorite so far:
"When Tiger Woods hit the tree, did police give him the option of a mulligan or a drop?"
I think we all recognize the irony of his wife using a golf club to bust out his back window. I just wonder if she took a few practice swings first. And how did she find the time to put on a glove?
I suppose there's also an irony in a man named "Woods" hitting a tree.
Windermere police Chief Daniel Saylor reported that Woods was "mumbling but didn't say anything coherent." Now he knows what it's like to interview Scott Erickson.
(And you thought there wouldn't be a baseball reference in this entry. Shame on you.)
According to the Toronto Sun, Roy Halladay would be willing to waive his no-trade clause to pitch for the Yankees.
In other news, I'd be willing to waive goodbye to Eldersburg and move in with Megan Fox.
The Seattle Mariners sent out an e-mail that, they hope, will convince Hall of Fame voters that Edgar Martinez deserves induction next year. Here's a sample:
EDGAR MARTINEZ: BATTING TITLES AND AWARDS:
* 2 American League Batting Titles: 1992 (.343) and 1995 (.356)
* 3 American League On-Base Percentage Titles: 1995 (.479), 1998 (.429), 1999 (.447)
* 5 Silver Slugger Awards: 1992, 1995, 1997, 2001, 2003
* 5 Designated Hitter of the Year Awards: 1995, 1997, 1998, 2000, 2001
* 6 Top-10 finishes in American League in Slugging Percentage: 1992, 1995, 1996, 1997, 2000, 2001
* 7 All-Star Game Appearances: 1992, 1995, 1996, 1997, 2000, 2001, 2003
* 7 Top-10 finishes in American League in Average: 1990, 1992, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999
* 11 Top-10 finishes in AL On-Base Pct: 1990, 1991, 1992, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2003
Martinez hit .343 in 1992, at the time the highest batting average in the American League by a right-handed hitter since Harvey Kuenn hit .353 with Detroit in 1959...in addition to leading the league in hitting, led in doubles (46), was second in slugging percentage (.544) and fourth in on-base percentage (.404). Martinez won his second batting title in 1995, posting a .356 mark, at the time the highest in the AL by a right-handed hitter since Joe DiMaggio hit .381 in 1939...his '95 title made him, at the time, just the seventh right-handed hitter to win two batting titles, the first in the AL since Luke Appling (1936 & 1943)...in 1995, Edgar led the league in average, on-base percentage (.479), runs (121) and doubles (52).
Martinez is one of 20 players in Major League history to have a lifetime batting average over .300, a lifetime on-base percentage over .400 and a lifetime slugging percentage over .500.
Martinez is one of only eight players in Major League history to have collected 300+ HR, 500+ doubles, 1000+ walks, boast an average over .300 and an on-base percentage over .400. All five who are eligible for the Hall of Fame (Musial, Hornsby, Ruth, Gehrig, Williams) have been inducted in Cooperstown. The other two (Ramirez, Helton) are still active.
Martinez finished his career with 2247 hits, 514 doubles, 1,283 walks, 309 home runs, a .312 career batting average and a .418
career on-base percentage.
That's not even half of the e-mail. I'd need to create four blog entries to include everything.
I'd still like to see baseball's all-time hits leader in the Hall, but that's a separate topic.