masn-baseballs-orioles.jpgNEW YORK – If MASNsports.com decided to make my life easier by hiring a School of Roch assistant, I’d immediately want him or her to do the following:
1. Look up Salma Hayek’s address and phone number. 2. Lie about my age to anyone who asks for it. 3. Research how many hits and runs the Orioles have allowed on 0-2 pitches.
I’d also want my assistant to find out whether I could eat ice cream and bother manager Buck Showalter during a game or if that’s only done by Adam Jones when he isn’t…

NEW YORK – If MASNsports.com decided to make my life easier by hiring a School of Roch assistant, I’d immediately want him or her to do the following:

1. Look up Salma Hayek’s address and phone number.
2. Lie about my age to anyone who asks for it.
3. Research how many hits and runs the Orioles have allowed on 0-2 pitches.

I’d also want my assistant to find out whether I could eat ice cream and bother manager Buck Showalter during a game or if that’s only done by Adam Jones when he isn’t in the lineup.

Jones is questionable for tonight’s game due to a sore right shoulder, though he insisted yesterday that he would play.

jones-jog-close-gray-sidebar.jpgJones went 0-for-4 yesterday, including a scorching line drive into third baseman Chase Headley’s glove that ended the second inning and stranded two runners in scoring position. Headley caught the ball. Jones can’t catch a break.

The Orioles tallied four runs to take a 4-1 lead, but they could have used a few more in a game they eventually lost 8-6. They’re tied with the Red Sox for last place in the American League East. Are the wheels coming off or is the belly of the plane scraping the ground?

Jones has seven hits in his last 48 at-bats over 13 games, including one double, one home run and 18 strikeouts. He was asked yesterday whether this has been his most difficult season physically, with so many injuries and ailments, and he talked about the challenges after turning 30.

Just wait, pal. It only gets worse.

4. Keep lying about my age to anyone who asks.
5. Petition Major League Baseball to move the Winter Meetings to Carroll County.
6. Start taking up a collection for David Price.

Gerardo Parra also was robbed of a hit yesterday on a scorching line drive to first baseman Greg Bird in the seventh inning that followed Manny Machado’s game-tying home run to center field. Parra doubled in the second as part of a 1-for-5 day, but he has six hits in his last 50 at-bats over 11 games. He’s 8-for-59 in his last 13.

Parra hit .328/.369/.517 with 24 doubles, five triples, nine home runs and 31 RBIs in 100 games with the Brewers. He’s batting .221/.253/.386 with eight doubles, five home runs and 13 RBIs in 32 games with the Orioles.

Zach Davies, acquired from the Orioles for Parra, notched his first major league win yesterday after holding the Marlins to one run and four hits over seven innings.

7. Handle all tweets and blog comments that read “Start printing those playoff tickets” after another minor league signing.
8. Check whether a plumber can install a faucet in my kitchen sink that dispenses Tito’s vodka.
9. The age thing.

The Orioles will add at least two players to their expanded roster before tonight’s game against the Yankees.

Shortstop J.J. Hardy will be activated from the 15-day disabled list and outfielder Dariel Alvarez will be recalled from Single-A Frederick. Hardy will return to the lineup immediately. Showalter must decide on a left fielder, with the candidates including Alvarez, Nolan Reimold and Steve Pearce.

I’m assuming, of course, that Jones is in center field. Otherwise, Parra will play center and Showalter also will need a right fielder.

Junior Lake is no longer is on the roster after being optioned to Norfolk. Otherwise, he might have started Wednesday night against left-hander CC Sabathia.

I thought Lake might pinch-hit for Jimmy Paredes yesterday with two outs in the ninth and left-hander Andrew Miller on the mound. Paredes is much better from the left side. Lake was here because he hits left-handers.

Hardy was in a 5-for-49 slump over his last 15 games before going on the disabled list with a groin injury. He hasn’t homered since July 29.

The Orioles are 49-42 with Hardy in the lineup.

10. Find a way to de-emphasize the importance of leg day at the gym.
11. Keep a running tally of every roster move.
12. Rough up anyone who mocks the shutdown inning.

Jonathan Schoop hit a three-run homer yesterday to give the Orioles a 3-1 lead in the second inning. He’s 2-for-9 with two home runs and five RBIs lifetime against Yankees starter Masahiro Tanaka. He’s hit six home runs in 22 games versus the Yankees.

Tanaka faced the Orioles on July 23 and allowed three runs and five hits in 7 2/3 innings, with no walks and seven strikeouts. Hardy, Machado and Chris Davis homered.

Tanaka is 1-1 with a 3.74 ERA in three career starts against the Orioles. Davis is 3-for-9 with a double and home run, and Machado is 2-for-7 with a double and home run.

Kevin Gausman is making his 13th start and 21st appearance for the Orioles this season. He’s 2-6 with a 4.59 ERA.

In his last start against the Rays, Gausman surrendered four runs (three earned) and eight hits over 2 1/3 innings. He gave up two home runs and has allowed seven in his last four starts.

Gausman has worked six or more innings in seven of his last nine starts and eight of 11, separating him from the pack.

Gausman came out of the bullpen to face the Yankees on April 14 and allowed a run and two hits in two-thirds of an inning. He started against them on July 22 and allowed four runs and six hits in six innings.

Overall, Gausman is 3-2 with a 2.94 ERA in 10 games (four starts) against the Yankees and 1-1 with a 3.45 ERA in five games (two starts) in the Bronx. The current Yankees are batting .205 (16-for-78) against him.

Brett Gardner is 4-for-13 with a home run, Alex Rodriguez is 2-for-5 with a double and home run, Chris Young is 2-for-5 with a double, Jacoby Ellsbury is 2-for-13 with a double and Stephen Drew is 0-for-9 with five strikeouts.

Gausman and Bird were high school teammates in Colorado. This should be interesting.

13. Find Delmon Young.
14. Survey scouts on how many legitimate prospects exist in Norfolk’s playoff rotation of Terry Doyle, Chris Jones, Tyler Wilson and Elih Villanueva.
15. Update the Orioles’ record when Caleb Joseph breaks a bat over his knee.