An Orioles Christmas wish list

The day has arrived for many of us when the angst over getting ready for the Christmas holiday is replaced by the angst over making it through the Christmas holiday.

I recommend a discreet exit to the bedroom and a few minutes screaming into a pillow. Don’t return to your guests until the redness has left your face.

Fa la la la la …

Orioles fans already received a middle-of-the-order, five-time All-Star for first base, a closer who led the majors in saves in 2024, a power-hitting corner outfielder who set career highs this year in doubles, home runs and RBIs but could bat leadoff in some lineups, and a starting pitcher for the middle or back end of the rotation with a big arm, high ceiling and three years of controllability.

Other gifts should arrive after the last of the wrapping paper is balled up and tossed into the trash and leftovers are packed into plastic to-go containers that you’ll never get back.

Twelve drummers drumming is unacceptable if you live in an apartment or condo with thin walls. Same goes with 10 lords a-leaping and nine ladies dancing. Think of your neighbors. 

(The nine ladies dancing is fine for bachelor parties, but I digress ...)

Five gold rings is greedy for a team that hasn’t won a World Series since 1983. Be satisfied with one for now.  

One Drew French makes more sense than three French hens. That’s why he’s among the four coaches returning from last season.

A partridge in a pear tree is nice, but I’d rather have a Kittredge in the bullpen.

(The eight maids didn’t do as much milking as I am with this joke.)

For the woman in the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside” who just wants her coat so she can get away from the creeper trying to force another cocktail, and himself, on her, I hope she gets an Amazon driver to deliver a taser and download the Lyft app for her phone.

How did something this cringy become a holiday classic?

“Say, what's in this drink?”
“No cabs to be had out there”

(That is not what she asked)

“I wish I knew how”
“Your eyes are like starlight now”
“To break this spell”
“I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell”
“I ought to say, "No, no, no sir"
“Mind if I move in closer?”

(Clearly, yes)

“At least I'm gonna say that I tried”
“What's the sense in hurting my pride?”
“I really can't stay”
“Baby, don't hold out”

You know what else hurts? A kick in the chestnuts.

This is why women in bars put a napkin or coaster over their drink.

… la la la la.

Craig Albernaz already received the best gift – his first managing job in the majors. There are no ties in baseball.

Mike Elias got a green light.

It lets him make competitive offers to free agents. Batteries not included, unless it’s a pitcher and catcher.

Dear Santa, please give Tyler O’Neill a healthy season.

He’s made 17 career trips to the injured list, including three in 2025 that limited him to only 54 games. That’s why he’s still with the Orioles rather than opting out of his three-year, $49.5 million contract.

For Colton Cowser, I’d like to put a bow on a bat that makes more consistent contact He’s struck out 300 times in 921 plate appearances over the past two years.

Cowser has got tremendous power and is a much better hitter than his .216/.300/.404 line in parts of three major league seasons. Time to break out like a teenager's greasy face. 

For Adley Rutschman, a giant eraser for the last 1 ½ seasons.

For Pete Alonso, 162 games. Anything less will make him think that he was on the naughty list.

For Jordan Westburg, just a full season. That’s it. He’s going to be one of the best hitters on this team if he stays on the field.

For Ryan Mountcastle, good health like so many others. But also, a left field wall with wheels that move it forward whenever he’s at the plate.

It should come with a remote.

For Coby Mayo, a chance to play. Give him consistent at-bats, and a full shuttle that doesn’t have a seat for him.

Turn in your bus pass.

For Heston Kjerstad, no more fastballs to the head and no more speculation about his heart. Put a fresh start in a bag with some tissue paper.

For outfielder Will Robertson, similar taste in gifts to Orioles vice president of domestic scouting Will Robertson. That way, any mix-ups won’t be a problem.

Jackson Holliday might need a razor for when he starts shaving.

I’d like for him to receive a lineup card with his name lowered on it. Don’t put the added responsibility of leadoff hitter on his young shoulders.

For Jeremiah Jackson, ground balls everywhere in camp. Fly balls everywhere in camp. Move so much that he needs change of address cards.

For Trevor Rogers, 2025 on repeat.

For Ryan Helsley, a year when the only tipping he does is in restaurants.

For Kyle Bradish, selection to his first All-Star Game. Pitch like an ace, get rewarded like one.

For Tyler Wells, an unbreakable elbow. One that holds up whether he’s starting, relieving or doing both.

Asking for one role is like having one roll at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Unrealistic. Wells could have a full plate from the many ways that Albernaz might use him.  

For Samuel Basallo, an open window on the warehouse so he doesn’t bust the glass.  

For Dean Kremer, an April ERA and WHIP as good as his hair.

For Enrique Bradfield Jr., a major league debut. It’s his turn.

Hopefully, Bradfield won’t mind sharing his toys with Trey Gibson.

For Nate George, a flame-retardant uniform. A smart purchase for anyone who plays like his hair’s on fire.

For Vance Honeycutt, a do-over. And maybe some ACC opponents.

Get back to what got him here.

For Félix Bautista, the patience to go through another rehab, and a reward at the end that lets him pitch this summer. And this fall.

I’ll happily take today with no breaking news – sorry, I’d like to leave the laptop closed – or political discussions from the same offenders leaking onto this site.

I’d love for everyone everywhere to treat each other with respect. With warmth, kindness and compassion.

Cause baby, it’s cold outside.